Thumoslang

Timesaving with Social Clarity

2 My Mental Chattering

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[1] After Alec delivered our first formal business presentation to a public official, Nick and I conducted a follow-up discussion at night on the same day. At one point, I made a seemingly important point. Nick asked me to explain it seconds later. I couldn’t. At another point, I made another statement. Nick asked me to repeat it seconds later. I couldn’t. It’s not that I couldn’t articulate or remember important things to say. Still, I found myself inconsistent with articulating and remembering them. But why? To put it simply, I am almost always thinking about something. I had so much on my mind. My mental chattering overwhelmed my focus. Sometimes, all the distractions in my mind prevented me from remembering or elaborating on what I said minutes ago.

[2] I like being informed and want to express an educated opinion on whatever I hear. That desire was so strong that it generated chattering in my mind before I gave enough time to grasp my utterance entirely or comprehend what was coming from the speaker. I thereby slowed my thinking process to discern, understand, and develop. I practice controlling my breathing and slowing down my thinking to concentrate on what I can do through my own agency; what I can control in the immediate moment, the same way I have agency over my breath. I don’t know why I am the way I am. Was I born with it, or did I develop it? Am I aware of how I think now?

  • Agency; that means, the capacity of deliberation.
  • Deliberation; that means, documented consideration.
  • Consideration; that means, weighed decisions.
  • Agency; that means, the capacity of documented weighed decisions.

[3] I cannot recall the first year in my life that I was this way. That makes me think that I have always been this way, meaning I have always struggled to take charge of my thinking. There are times in my life when I have felt very connected with my thoughts, where I was, and why I was there. This is a common feeling when your life’s destination is clear in your mind. You feel in the moment, fulfilled, and like you’re on the right track. However, I have felt that I was confronting my thoughts for most of my life. I struggled with metathoughts: I had thoughts about my thoughts. “Why am I thinking this?” “Where is it going to lead me?” “How has this thinking shaped me?” “Is this the best thinking process?”

[4] I found myself being the very opposite of a “smooth operator.”

[5] I often try to write it down when I have an exceptional thought. I learned how to do this systematically in recent months. I now know how to let my ideals guide my decisions. I didn’t think that way until Nick introduced Thumoslang. However, I often failed to elaborate and follow up on these moments of genius.

[6] If I could go back in time, I would have written them down, brainstormed, and shared the subject with my work team or others. Like many people, I have had moments of genius because they are like nothing I have seen elsewhere; I would call them revolutionary. How could I use my potential to build a better world for myself and others?

[7] The need for my mind to be constantly consuming, or at the very least, we can say “active,” is a tiring characteristic that I would love to outgrow. This trait has spilled over into my financial habits, causing me to spend money endlessly in pursuit of filling myself up.

[8] That is an endless action because I know that the void I am working to fill can become whole once I have defined several life purposes stronger than those I live.

[9] One of those life purposes is to help the members of Bongo One, my wealth-building friend group. I considered their ideals, listened to what they wanted to actualize, and then built them a website. I spent much time on the website, www.Ri4CTV.studio, for our group to share its content and grow its production. My plan was for everyone to be involved, but I was the only one doing anything with the website after a short time. After a while, I no longer felt the group valued my efforts. No one was using the work I had made. I’m not blaming other members of my group. I’m describing this event as one of many played out too often in my life. I do something for others, but it goes to waste. I imagine many people also go through this kind of event all too often.

[10] The first time in my life that I wanted to make a product that would be for other people was when I started writing. I wanted my writing to be read by people so that my insight would improve their lives. A nuance of that idea is when I started writing music and even producing it. I wanted my message, insight, and voice to change people and show them what I go through. However, I could never make a complete product unless you count a written article here and there. Still, I did not continue building upon those attempts. I now understand that I have to dedicate time and emotion to making a product that would improve someone’s life, unlike I had ever tried before. The challenge is, where do I get the energy to do all that? Answering this question helps me answer the big question posed by the previous chapter, “why was the presenter not me?”

[11] At the time, I felt directionless. No destination. No purpose driving me from day to day. My biggest fear was that my previous actions would not amount to my vision for my character and future. Despite my wins, they didn’t make me the best version of myself. From my perspective, I looked unrecognizable.

[12] In the last two months, I spent too much of my brainpower on what I thought would help someone else, distracting me from working on the bigger picture of my life. I did not focus on myself and what was most immediate to my life. Instead, I thought a lot about the phantom problems I believed others around me had. I was building toward a future with them, I thought, a future in which my friends and I would be proud business partners saying, “we stuck it out together and made it through.” Am I spending too much time daydreaming and too little time chasing the dream?

[13] After the presentation Alec delivered this morning, I had a different feeling about whether I should have exerted so much of my efforts for others around me. I’m sure that if I didn’t, I could focus on building a solid presentation myself and become the one delivering it. Since I didn’t build our first formal business presentation, I did not lead the group. I’m not on my way to becoming a “global leader” as quickly as possible. How could I be in a better position? What do I want? Until I know, I will continue to struggle with this depression.

[14] Writing this chapter is strenuous, but it is necessary. The self-analysis of why I haven’t been the best version of myself is emotionally taxing but self-educational, perhaps a too complex concept for further discussion. Writing about the subject I had difficulty with forced me to think about myself in ways I would not have approached if it wasn’t because I had to. While pushing myself toward what I truly want to become, I must understand what hasn’t worked for me thus far. Hopefully, that would help me make a plan of attack on how to do things differently. Better.

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